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Article 102
10Nov95
Pilot

Active Listening

But even if a facilitator can empathize readily with his viewer, unless she knows he is doing so, the viewing relationship will fail. Usually a simple acknowledgment like "good" or "OK" will suffice to communicate the empathy as well as the cognitive understanding (assuming, of course, that such understanding and empathy exists). But occasionally a simple acknowledgment may not suffice. In such cases, the facilitator must find a way of letting the viewer know that he has empathized, and for this purpose. A modified version of Carl Roger's tool of "active listening" is very useful as a particular form of CE-5, CE-6, or CE-8. For instance, when the viewer is undergoing some sort of unusual perceptual or emotional experience, such a simple acknowledgment may not be enough to show that you are really aware of what is going on with her, and she may begin feeling a little alienated from you. This is especially true when:

• The viewer says or does something to indicate she isn't sure you are really with her, despite your acknowledgment.
• The viewer starts to repeat herself, despite your acknowledgments.
• She expresses uncertainty about whether she is being clear in her explanation of what is going on with her.
• You don't feel entirely certain of having grasped what is going on with the viewer, despite an attempt to get the viewer to clarify what the situation is.

Active listening is definitely not just a parroting back of what the viewer said. You make it your own and say it in your own words. But please avoid any interpretations or evaluations in your reflections. And make sure that each of them always has a question in it, implicitly or explicitly. Balancing between simply parroting what the viewer said and making assertions or interpretations is part of the skill of active listening. Your best bet is to give your best rendering of the reality the viewer is trying to convey to you, and always to give it as a question (implicit or explicit).

Suppose the viewer says "My son-in-law Jerry is being a real jerk and says I should leave him and my daughter alone. But I can't just let him beat up on my grandson, can I? But if I do anything about it, it could screw up my relationship with my daughter. Do you see what I mean?" In such a case, you could say something like, "Well, let me see if I understand: you are concerned about how your stepson is bringing up your grandson, but your stepson tells you to butt out of their life. You'd like to talk to him about it, but you are afraid of upsetting your daughter. Have I got that right?" You might be wrong, but if so, the viewer will correct you. She might say, "What I would really like to do is talk to my daughter about it, but Jerry gets real jealous whenever I spend time with her, especially if he thinks I'm being critical of him." Now you have a clearer view of the situation. A simple acknowledgment may suffice at this point, or it may seem appropriate to reflect this statement of the viewer as well: "I see. You'd like to be able to communicate freely with your daughter, and Jerry's jealousy is getting in the way." Now, if you've got it right, the viewer will simply say, "Yes", and that will be the end of that cycle: the viewer will feel thoroughly comprehended.

Sometimes as a side-effect of using active listening, the viewer looks at and clarifies something for herself, because she will have to answer your question about whether you got it right when you reflected what you thought was going on. In the above example, the viewer knew the general area she was upset about, but until the facilitator used active listening, she was unable to see that her major concern was the blocked communication with her daughter. This kind of clarification can be especially useful in an Inquiry or Exploration or in life.

Active listening can be quite useful in or out of session, especially when dealing with a "motor-mouth", someone who rambles on at you repetitiously and boringly at some length. You might need to use active listening with him to really achieve a full acknowledgment and end the communication cycle. It is also useful in interpersonal situations involving strong emotion or confusion.

Don't overuse active listening, in life or in session. Under no circumstances would you use it as a routine form of acknowledgment. Use it sparingly and only, as appropriate, in the situations given above.

Frank A. Gerbode, M.D.
Director, IRM